Sit & Listen

I have been wanting to blog for about a month now, but have not made the time. God is doing a great work in me (though I'm resistant), and it's quite different than I expected. Despite bringing me to CIU to study and learn academically in preparation for some sort of ministry, He's teaching me that to be with Him is greater than to do things for Him.

The Martha-Mary story was a point of study in my NT class. My professor remarked that Martha should be known more for her profession of faith when she said, "Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world." (John 11:27) However, she is known for being a busy-body worried about serving. And even in John 11, the story above, she is the proactive doer who went out to see Jesus before He came into the village to heal Lazarus. I look at the snip-its of Martha's life in the gospels, and I feel like I'm looking into a mirror. Our personalities are similar.

Who has time to sit and listen? Oh, I'm torn when I write a question like that! I agree with the rhetorical question to some degree thinking, "Today, I need to read X number of pages, write X number of answers, go run this errand on campus, call this business, etc, etc." I often wonder if I have enough time in the week to get it all done. I wrote in response to the Martha-Mary application question that I don't realize what's going on, but I just tend to skim over my time with the Lord when many tasks are at hand. And yet the Lord is teaching me to just be with Him. Even in my times with Him, I need to not be hurried to do, do, do, but sit and listen during that time.

The idea of doing coming out of being is a good summary for this semester. It's not that I shouldn't be doing things, but whatever I do, it should come out of my intimate times with Him. There's no point in serving unless it's for the Lord. And, if I am to make a choice between being with the Lord or serving Him, it's better to choose to sit and be with the Lord. As I write, I'm realizing that as we spend more time with Him, He will probably compel us to go out in His name and do good works.

All in all, in my great weakness I'm learning to sit at His feet. It's sad how hard it is for me to calm down and just sit and listen. My body is quite weak to do this. I get distracted, fidgety, and anxious. Oh, please pray for me that I can learn even if the process is slow. Please also pray that I will grow in prayer. I need it!


Coincidentally, there are these two related articles that came out this week:
http://www.girltalkhome.com/blog/a-martha-moment
http://www.girltalkhome.com/blog/another-martha-moment

Even in Teaching

Today for homecoming chapel, we honored the CIU class of '59 and the Thompson family of whom many attended CIU. One of the speakers was from the Thompson family and he talked about his influence. The first influence he spoke of was a teacher named "Buck" Hatch. This man must have been amazing because I have heard a ton about him! As the speaker went on, he talked about what Buck Hatch had done as a teacher that was so great. I was on the edge of my seat. Then, he spoke of the best part of Buck's teaching. Can you guess what it was? Humility. I sat back. Really? This topic, again? Despite all that this teacher did, humility made him great. Wow.

Let me give you an example, real quick. This teacher once came to class and said to his students that he had no word to give them because it had not yet gotten into his heart. So, he dismissed the class. I don't know many that would admit that their heart was not right and actually not teach that day. I have a lot to learn.

Humility, Humility, Humility

God, I think I get it! You want to teach me about humility!

In the past month, I really feel that God is throwing humility at me over and over and over. Recently, Piper preached a sermon on humility, boundless.org had an article on humility, Driscoll preached a sermon on humility, and my books here and here keep talking about humility. Enough already! Oh, and if that's not enough, let's have a PowerPoint on it in class with a list of questions to, well, humble me.

1. Do you have a stronger desire to do your will than God’s will?

2. Are you more dependent upon your resources than God’s?

3. Do you often believe your opinions are better than others?

4. Do you often consider yourself as more important than others?

5. Do you have a tendency to think you have no needs?

6. Do you find it difficult to admit that you were wrong?

7. Do you have a tendency to be a people pleaser?

8. Are you overly concerned about getting the credit you think you deserve?

9. Are you driven to obtain recognition from degrees, titles, or positions?

10. Do you often consider yourself as more important than others?

11. Do you become defensive when you are criticized?

That's not all. There's much more to the PowerPoint on what humility is and is not. If you're interested, let me know and I can send it to you.

As a result, I feel humbled knowing how prideful I am. Every day there seems to be one or twenty blows to my pride. You're probably thinking "Wow, that's really good." And indeed, you are right. However, it's hard to have that perspective when the blows keep coming in unexpected ways throughout the day. The resources cited above are knowledge, but God keeps speaking to me through experiences, which are the real lessons.

Well, I have a meeting so I can't continue on talking about the impact of some of the books from class. Let me just say that if I am in contact with you, I might mention some of these "textbooks" to you over and over. They're that good.

Dropped Course & Transformation

Well, first off, I made some changes to the last two posts because I dropped a class. My favorite class, actually. I was sad to do it, but it made sense. Why? Well, after following advice from a good friend, Shannon, I tried to figure out why I'm here at CIU. Why am I here, you ask? I believe I'm here to know Christ more intimately and to find out what role He has for me in His great plan. When I looked at my schedule, I realized I would only have time to be a student if I kept all five classes. I would be pressed for time and unable to open up my life to hallmates or classmates. If I am to find out how God has gifted me, I have to do something! And, this can't happen if all I do is sit in my room to read and write. Then the next decision was to decide what class to drop. In looking at my five classes, only Systematic Theology didn't fit into my purpose for being here. This was confirmed by my adviser. So, I dropped it.

In other news, I'm finding some good community here! I am connecting with more girls on my floor and with fellow seminary students. Man, the cafeteria is the best place to grow in community! Food unites. Without a meal plan, I would hardly know anyone here. So, I'm thankful for growing in community. One thing that I have heard many times here is "Transformation happens when you're within 3 feet of another person." It's so true. Two of my classes have small groups and I also have a hall small group that I'm privileged to co-facilitate. Plus, this past weekend was a mandatory retreat with Grad Life and we continued our small group from the Spiritual Formations class.

To be honest, I feel like there's so much learning that I'm overwhelmed. It's good, and yet it's also hard. I have a desire to grow more and more, but only a small ability to do so in such a short amount of time. Please pray for me, that I will simply trust God to do His work

Detailed Course Report

After my first four classes, I feel an urge to explain what the classes are about and my expectations. This is more for my own good and record than for your enjoyment, so skip this post if you please.

Foundations of Spiritual Development
Let me start by mentioning that at the beginning of this class we stood up for a worship song and then prayed before class. A lovely shocker!!

I expect this class to be one of the most difficult for me. I have a strong sense that the academic workload will be lighter than other classes, but the heart workload will be heavy. This professor desires for us to develop spiritually (hence the name of the course) and this is done only by dealing with the most difficult parts of our lives and facing them openly and honestly. On the first day, we did an exercise where we put down people, places and circumstances of any kind on sticky notes. If it was a positive, then it went on yellow. If it was a painful experience (with that person, place or circumstance) then it went on pink. We then categorized them under the phase of our spiritual walk in which it or he or she occurred. And we did this in small groups. All other members of the group could see my positives and painfuls. Talk about being honest from day one! That's why this class will be difficult. Dealing with the heart is much harder for me than to deal with the intellect. Which is why I LOOOVE my second class. See below, but before I go there, I must describe a bit of the grades of this course.

10% is for going on a retreat, 10% on memory verses and 10% is on 2 reports in which we describe our experience intentionally sharing the gospel with someone else while we are here at CIU. There are other parts of the grade, but I just love these 3 things! I get to share the gospel as a part of my grade. Wow.

Systematic Theology 1
Now this class, I left SO excited! I talked to friends later that day and asked them what they thought. Their responses were roughly, "I almost fell asleep" or "That class is gonna be hard for me. Ugh." What did I think? I can't wait to get back into that class! There's just something about theology that I just love. In this class, I get to write down my theological beliefs on each section of study from Grudem's book. We will also be studying cross-cultural theologies to understand "how theology is developed, understood or taught in another culture." Sa-weeet!

Also, we have a project where we get to decide what we do. One option is to participate in a debate on either 1) How effective you can be if you believe in errancy of Scripture, 2) Sovereignty vs Free Will or 3) Amillennialism vs Premillennialism. I doubt I will do a presentation of this sort because either others have taken the spots already or I fear the 2nd & 3rd year students who have well developed arguments already. Other options for this project include, but are not limited to: *Creating a sermon or tract that involves "careful exegetical undergirding." *Lesson plans about the units in the course for "lay" people. *Video presentation on the Gospel of Christ. *Website with the Gospel presentation. *Refutation of a major sect.

So, I look forward to this course because it's just my niche. Also, the prof's a funny southern guy. He says "raht quick" often (that's "right quick" if you didn't catch it). I love it.

This course has been dropped.

Genesis to Song of Solomon
My adviser teaches this course and Hebrew courses. Every few years he takes CIU students on trips to Israel. I've heard it's awesome and that he's a great tour guide. So, with that in mind, we started class by singing "This is the day" in English, then Hebrew, then Aramaic. Yup, never did THAT in my undergrad!

I expect this class to be a daunting task as I know how difficult it will be to read Genesis to Song of Solomon alone. Now, I have to read supplementary textbook style material on said reading and furthermore, I need to understand all of the reading and put that knowledge into written form for summary, some exegetical analysis, and personal application. Whew, it's going to be quite the ride. However, even so I look forward to the reward of having studied the OT. How privileged am I to study under such a professor that can write a survey textbook on the entire OT? And oh, the reward of finally understanding more of the OT. I simply just don't get it all when I read on my own. Not only that, but I have a wonderful resource for future use!

Lastly, I'm looking forward to reading the book "Mission in the Old Testament." I began learning on this subject in Perspectives, and I look forward to seeing God's mission even more throughout the OT.

The Mission of God
This is a new course for CIU and so the prof is sort of making things up as he goes. Coming right from my first year of teaching, I understand his position fully. In fact, I think he's quite a bit more prepared for this course than I have ever been for any class! He asked if anyone has taken the Perspectives course for credit. I have, but only for undergrad credit. He said, "This is like Perspectives for credit, but five times more." My jaw dropped. Um, Perspectives was a lot of work. If this is five times more than Perspectives, I may as well not be taking anything else!

We'll see exactly how much work it's going to be (I think he's way over exaggerating). I look forward to the work because it's all good stuff. Also, I think it helps to have taken Perspectives because I've heard some of the information already, if only on an introductory level. Also, in this class 20% of our grade is "cross-cultural evang. practice report." Again, sharing the gospel is a part of my grade!

At the end of this class, we break into small groups (the same ones each week) for accountability. The class was concerned a bit about girl-guy groups, but he said they're missions & prayer accountability groups, not know-your-deepest-darkest-sin type of accountability groups. This week was an introduction to one another, so he had us each describe our own rooms growing up. There's really quite a lot you can learn about someone from the room they grew up in! One lady in my group is a Japanese elderly lady. I look forward to hearing her perspective.

Gospels
I begin this class tonight (6-9pm) and tomorrow (8am-5pm) and it only runs four weekends in the school year.



With all of these classes explained, I am quite concerned about my course load. Many seminary and grad students take 3-4 classes, not 5. So, please pray for me as I decide if I should drop a class, and Tuesday is the last day to drop with a full refund.

Courses & Books

I thought I'd write a non-personal post on my classes and the textbooks for the classes. I'll let you know my favs at the end of the semester. Also, let me know if you have any opinions or questions about the texts below!

Foundations of Spiritual Development:

• "The Making of a Leader" by Robert Clinton
• "Devotional Classics"" by Richard Foster
• "Truefaced" by Bruce McNichol & Bill Thrall
• "Out of the Saltshaker and into the World" by Rebecca Pippert
• "The Green Letters" by Miles Stanford

Systematic Theology 1:

• "Systematic Theology: An Introduction to Biblical Doctrine" by Wayne Grudem
• "A Survey of Bible Prophecy" by Ray Ludwigson
• 3 other Systematic Theology books are recommended based off of personal faith:

1. "Systematic Theology" by Louis Berkhof [Reformed perspective]
   
2. "Christian Theology" by Millard Erickson [Baptistic perspective]
   
3. "The Quest for Truth: Answering Life's Inescapable Questions" by F. Leroy Forlines [Non-Wesleyan Arminian perspective of the Free Will Baptist Church]
   

I might consider getting the Arminian perspective one since my professor seems to be a Calvinist. Also, I just can't comprehend the Arminian perspective and I have many Reformed influence around me.

I dropped this class, so while I have the books, I won't be blogging on them.

Genesis to Song of Solomon:

• "Encountering the Old Testament" by Bill Arnold and Bryan Beyer (my professor)
• "Mission in the Old Testament" by Walter Kaiser
• 3 other recommended books. I'll tell ya if you request to know.

The Mission of God

• "Discovering the Mission of God" by Mike Barnett (my professor)
• "The Changing Face of World Missions" by Michael Pocock
• "Called to Reach: Characteristics of Cross-Cultural Disciplers" by William Yount and Mike Barnett (my professor)
• "Who is My Neighbor?: Reaching Internationals in North America" by Phillip & Kandace Connor
• "And the Word Came with Power" by Joanne Shetler

Gospels

• "The Passion of the Servant: A Journey to the Cross" by Don Howell (my professor)
• "The NIV Harmony of the Gospels with Explanations and Essays" by Robert Thomas and Stanley Gundry
• "The Jesus I never Knew" by Philip Yancey
• 1 very recommended text: "Servants of the Servant" by Don Howell (my professor)

Sorry if you like pictures. It would take a while to upload and I have to go!

Quick Update (I'm here!)

Looking back on my last two posts, I feel it's necessary for me to make a comment on my summer school teaching experience. Somewhere along the way, I started to like going to work. It's not that love got a whole lot easier (it didn't), but there seemed to be a change of attitude in my life. I am humbled to say that I can't take credit for it. Many times I'd like to, but in this case there's no way I can. One day on the way to work, I almost turned around and went home, and many days I truly did not want to interact with students at all. Christ's gracious (and patient) work in my life is the only way my attitude changed. Praise God that He did this work because I learned in a small way how to love when love is not easy. I wouldn't do the story justice unless I also mentioned that the most disrupted students were suspended by the last week. So, there were less students to be workin my nerves. I'm very thankful that the five weeks ended so nicely and that I was indeed sad to leave these students as I have been sad to leave all of my former students.

Now, onto my experience thus far at CIU. Yesterday, I traveled a little over 14 hours to get down here. The ride was not wonderfully exciting; nor was it boring. I have found that I can entertain myself for hours. When I arrived, the RA on duty showed me around campus briefly as we went to get my key. Since I arrived so late in the evening, I unpacked my food, bedding and overnight clothes and slept.

This morning as I unloaded my car a very nice security guard came over to help me. I was quite grateful as there was absolutely no one else around. As the day went on, I found everyone to be as nice and generous as this man. A friend I just met tonight went with me to the airport so I could drop off my rental car. She even drove me to the Walmart and back too! Today, I learned that everyone on campus knows everyone else by name and everyone is friendly from day one. Secondly, I learned that taking 15 seminary credits is extremely hard and that there's no time for anything else (spoken by a second year seminary student). Lastly, I found out this morning that no one else is listed to be in my room =D. The one roommate I was supposed to have, opted to not live in with grad students since she is an undergrad. This is particularly nice because I only have one outlet in my room. Also, I wouldn't mind having another desk just for sewing!

More updates to come with more depth.

Love is... Wait, What?

Love is patient, right? We all know that from 1 Corinthians 13 because it's the first line about what love is. Love is easy when patient is easy when the person you're loving is easy going. Today I learned that love is difficult because patient is difficult with students who refuse to obey in any way shape or form. Patience is hard when there is blatant, ongoing, relentless disobedience. Love is a command and a choice - and boy would I like to choose to not love right now! Of course I have decided not to quit my job, and in that decision I have chosen to deliberately love. I realized, this morning, that love is essential for having motivation to keep teaching ungrateful students. And yet it is so, so difficult to maintain this sort of love. Love is hard.

Eventually, I realized that I am just like my students. I have blatant, ongoing, relentless disobedience to God and His laws even when I fully know what is right. His love is beyond my understanding. How can He still love us the way He does? Why doesn't He just throw in the towel because of impatience? I don't know why or how, but it's amazing that He doesn't! And the wonderful line from Andrew Peterson's song "Rocket" rings true, "love alone can carry..."

Good News; Bad News

Let's start with the good news first, shall we? I have been accepted to CIU and I plan to attend there in the fall! I'm really excited about attending, but I also have some reservations. However, the excitement FAR outweighs my reservations. I'm a bit nervous to be reading and writing so much since computation is my forte. I am excited to be learning again and to be within a community of believers so focused on M work. I can't wait to be learning under amazing professors in a small school - I hear they get to know the student body quite well. So, what's the goal of going to CIU? Direction for the future. Under that idea, it's nice to have a Bible education background for some possible goals of mine.

Okay, so I know this blog is a bit choppy, but it's late (for me) and I want to write one more thing. I have been teaching middle school math last week and today to ungrateful eighth graders. Last week I had about 18-20 students. Today, I received 20 more. So, I have two classes of 20 students who are not required to attend. Their grades in my class do not matter for anything. It has been tough to motivate them in any way. Some students will NOT stop talking. I have a number of methods to keep a class quiet and under control, but about 5 students in my 2nd hour refuse to stop talking. They have already tested my patience beyond what I have experienced so far. I tell you this for prayer. I am begging you to pray for me and for these students! Hard work is a distant idea in their lives and today I feel drained of motivation techniques. How can I stay motivated to teach them how to be motivated for 15 more days of class? 15 days seems like forever when in the first 2 days I felt ready to be done.

He is Faithful in Guiding

Every once in a while, I think, "Do I have something relevant to blog on?" And the answer has been, "No," for over 2 months now. I've had nothing to blog on in regards to missions or what God may have for me in the future (the reasons I started this blog).

However, I found myself yesterday realizing I now have something to blog on. There are two future possibilities I have been thinking about that I would like to process in cyberspace.

The first is the possibility of going to CIU for a year-long certificate track in their seminary program. P Steve helped me see that CIU is a very realistic possibility even though it's not right smack dab in the middle of a city (namely, Chicago). It's on the outskirts of Columbia, SC. but the city is within reach. It would be cheaper and so I would be able to take out less loans. It doesn't say "Bible" in the name which is nice when applying to any secular organization that may not be so favorable towards Christianity. Recently I've found out from a friend who visited there that they are extremely missions focused (more so than Moody), and "their missions focus is specifically catered to 'M' ministry," she said. I have often felt a tug towards ministering to M's, and she said, "...if you have a heart for M's, CIU is definitely the place to be!" I have yet to finish my application, but once I find out the results, I'll let you know!

I feel that I have been on a quest to find God's will for my life. What is it? How will I know? How does He communicate it to His children? Why don't I know? And as I'm experiencing Him and learning more about "God's will," it seems to be working out. Why? Well, a certain book seems to sum it up. Two of my EL friends go to a church where the pastor has written three books. One of them particularly pertains to me. It's called "Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach to Finding God's Will." Read the 2nd subtitle too, it's funny =D. But I feel as though that's the process that I've been going through. I haven't read the book, but the title speaks volumes. He can't guide us unless we are moving somewhere. I was taking a step towards finding a teaching job for the fall, and God directed me towards attending Bible school. I assumed Moody was the school, began to pursue it, and He guided me to CIU. I love it! I still don't know what God has for me this fall, but as long as I'm seeking Him and going somewhere He's going to guide this small, ignorant sheep of His.

Okay, enough blogging for now. The second possibility for my life that I planned on writing about will be written later. Maybe later today, maybe later this week, I'm not sure.