Love is... Wait, What?

Love is patient, right? We all know that from 1 Corinthians 13 because it's the first line about what love is. Love is easy when patient is easy when the person you're loving is easy going. Today I learned that love is difficult because patient is difficult with students who refuse to obey in any way shape or form. Patience is hard when there is blatant, ongoing, relentless disobedience. Love is a command and a choice - and boy would I like to choose to not love right now! Of course I have decided not to quit my job, and in that decision I have chosen to deliberately love. I realized, this morning, that love is essential for having motivation to keep teaching ungrateful students. And yet it is so, so difficult to maintain this sort of love. Love is hard.

Eventually, I realized that I am just like my students. I have blatant, ongoing, relentless disobedience to God and His laws even when I fully know what is right. His love is beyond my understanding. How can He still love us the way He does? Why doesn't He just throw in the towel because of impatience? I don't know why or how, but it's amazing that He doesn't! And the wonderful line from Andrew Peterson's song "Rocket" rings true, "love alone can carry..."

Good News; Bad News

Let's start with the good news first, shall we? I have been accepted to CIU and I plan to attend there in the fall! I'm really excited about attending, but I also have some reservations. However, the excitement FAR outweighs my reservations. I'm a bit nervous to be reading and writing so much since computation is my forte. I am excited to be learning again and to be within a community of believers so focused on M work. I can't wait to be learning under amazing professors in a small school - I hear they get to know the student body quite well. So, what's the goal of going to CIU? Direction for the future. Under that idea, it's nice to have a Bible education background for some possible goals of mine.

Okay, so I know this blog is a bit choppy, but it's late (for me) and I want to write one more thing. I have been teaching middle school math last week and today to ungrateful eighth graders. Last week I had about 18-20 students. Today, I received 20 more. So, I have two classes of 20 students who are not required to attend. Their grades in my class do not matter for anything. It has been tough to motivate them in any way. Some students will NOT stop talking. I have a number of methods to keep a class quiet and under control, but about 5 students in my 2nd hour refuse to stop talking. They have already tested my patience beyond what I have experienced so far. I tell you this for prayer. I am begging you to pray for me and for these students! Hard work is a distant idea in their lives and today I feel drained of motivation techniques. How can I stay motivated to teach them how to be motivated for 15 more days of class? 15 days seems like forever when in the first 2 days I felt ready to be done.

He is Faithful in Guiding

Every once in a while, I think, "Do I have something relevant to blog on?" And the answer has been, "No," for over 2 months now. I've had nothing to blog on in regards to missions or what God may have for me in the future (the reasons I started this blog).

However, I found myself yesterday realizing I now have something to blog on. There are two future possibilities I have been thinking about that I would like to process in cyberspace.

The first is the possibility of going to CIU for a year-long certificate track in their seminary program. P Steve helped me see that CIU is a very realistic possibility even though it's not right smack dab in the middle of a city (namely, Chicago). It's on the outskirts of Columbia, SC. but the city is within reach. It would be cheaper and so I would be able to take out less loans. It doesn't say "Bible" in the name which is nice when applying to any secular organization that may not be so favorable towards Christianity. Recently I've found out from a friend who visited there that they are extremely missions focused (more so than Moody), and "their missions focus is specifically catered to 'M' ministry," she said. I have often felt a tug towards ministering to M's, and she said, "...if you have a heart for M's, CIU is definitely the place to be!" I have yet to finish my application, but once I find out the results, I'll let you know!

I feel that I have been on a quest to find God's will for my life. What is it? How will I know? How does He communicate it to His children? Why don't I know? And as I'm experiencing Him and learning more about "God's will," it seems to be working out. Why? Well, a certain book seems to sum it up. Two of my EL friends go to a church where the pastor has written three books. One of them particularly pertains to me. It's called "Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach to Finding God's Will." Read the 2nd subtitle too, it's funny =D. But I feel as though that's the process that I've been going through. I haven't read the book, but the title speaks volumes. He can't guide us unless we are moving somewhere. I was taking a step towards finding a teaching job for the fall, and God directed me towards attending Bible school. I assumed Moody was the school, began to pursue it, and He guided me to CIU. I love it! I still don't know what God has for me this fall, but as long as I'm seeking Him and going somewhere He's going to guide this small, ignorant sheep of His.

Okay, enough blogging for now. The second possibility for my life that I planned on writing about will be written later. Maybe later today, maybe later this week, I'm not sure.

I Love the City

The weekend before last I went to Chicago for five days and it was a very full and wonderful weekend. Here's a "short" day-by-day:

Thursday night: wonderful fellowship and catching up with Michelle in BC. Going 1 year without seeing a good friend is too long. Way too long.

Friday: train to Chicago, chill in the hotel room and dinner with Ahavah at a T restaurant. Again, great fellowship and catching up! It turns out she's been to T and back again. I'm so jealous. She will likely go to Moody next year or in the near future (pocket this thought for a few minutes).

Saturday: physics conference seeing professors and students I rarely see.

Sunday: physics conference and then afternoon church with Alyssa. I could probably write a whole post about this church but basically it's ah-mazing and in a bad part of town. What faith it takes to live there and minister there. But oh the rewards! I tasted the sweetness of being in that community, and I also tasted some of the hardships as well. When I say "taste" I really don't mean a full gulp but a small sip. I could go on and on but in brief, Sunday was just wonderful. I felt the city pulling on my heart to stay and never leave.

Monday: physics conference and then classes at Moody with Alyssa. Afterwards we were at Starbucks and she got a phone call that the whole EFree staff was in town. So, after some awesome fellowship (again!), we went out to dinner.

Okay, here's where I need to start detailing. I had dinner with P. Steve, P. Jay and Ben (we had to split up into 3 tables). I've been needing to debrief my student teaching with Steve and so I purposely sat next to him. We had discussion about a number of fun topics, but a fair amount of time was spent on what I am called to do with my life. All the details aren't necessary (because they're quite long), but in the end I realized I need to figure out what the next step God is calling me to. I shouldn't just assume it's teaching simply because I'm passionate about it.

This realization came in when Jay said that if I'm called to missions and I am not planning on doing anything further about it then I'm walking in disobedience. Yup, that cued me in real quick. He asked why I was in limbo about the future and I replied that I've been "busy." He said, "Well, busy isn't a good excused on judgment day!" Furthermore, Steve said that I should immerse myself in missions and see if I'm passionate about it or not. His suggestion: Bible school.

So, what next? Prayer. Research Moody & Columbia. Prayer. Research nunneries. Prayer. Prayer.

(just kidding about the nunnery thing)

And sometime after that weekend I had a revelation. It may be obvious to you but for some reason it's never really clicked for me. I realized that if God has a will for my life then I don't have to figure out the logistics for everything and I can just do as He directs. Plus, it's better His way than my way. That sounds painfully obvious, but there's a difference between head knowledge and living it out. The results: It's not up to me (or any other outside influences). I don't have to figure out what I want and don't want. I don't need to fear that I'll take the wrong steps (unless I step without prayer). The burden of the future is off my shoulders...it's all gonna work out all right.

And now to finish up the weekend...

Tuesday: New Testament at Moody with Alyssa where I found out they (the professors and whatnot) are dispensationalists and therefore cessationists. Many of the students disagree but that's the way it is nonetheless. Then, a train ride home to BC with a 2-hour delay due to hitting a 16-year old boy. This is still settling in weird for me. It's not that I was in a car and hit him (which would be far worse and I probably would have cried), but I was in the train that hit him. How tragic for his family and what a sober way to return to the routine of teaching.

God's Will: Be a Nun

Who needs more than two signs to know God's will? Not me.

Today in class a student asked if the only thing I could do after college is be a teacher. I said, "No, my grandpa thinks I should go into..." At this point K whispered something which caused an outroar from the back of the room. "What did she say about me?" After some more laughing she explained, "I said, 'I think you should be a nun.'" At this I laughed and explained that it's funny she should mention it because my previous students made the same suggestion...and called me Sister D. Maybe, just maybe my students are very discerning and listen well to the Holy Spirit. If so, they might just be pointing me in the right direction.

So, what's next in my life? I may as well quit the teaching job searches and apply for a monastery (is there an application process?). Thoughts? Do you think this is God's plan for my life?



Other quotes from this fourth hour class:
Yesterday: "Miss D does meth! I saw her at the rave!!!"
After the nun comment: "Miss D, you were in a gang in high school, weren't you?"

Day One, Second Time Around

All right, day one is complete at the new school. It was a first day that was much more mild than my first, first day, but alas full of excitement as is usual in a high school. I had students introduce themselves and give me one piece of information about them - either interesting or what they like or what they did over break if it was exciting. Whatever they wanted to say, basically. I gave an example and in one class I said, "My great-uncle Eddie was in the mafia." They were like, "Whoa, is that true?!" And I said, "Yeah," in a 'duh!' sort of tone. After a few comments regarding that statement from the class and myself, including me threatening every student to watch out if they bother me, I said, "Oh, no I couldn't hurt a fly. Do I look like I could hurt a fly?" Their responses: "Um, yeah. You do. Yeah, you could hurt someone. Look at you in all black. And you just said your great-uncle Eddie was in the mafia. I'm scared!" To which I said, "You don't like my power suit?" And one guy said, "No! You look scary!"

Hahaha, this is going to be so easy. They're already scared of me! How awesome is this?! If I told that story at da Hill (and I should have) and then asked if they were scared of me, they would have thought I was crazy for even thinking I might be scary. What a change.

Speaking of changes, I have many I could list, but I don't want to list them all (the list would be long). First of all, I was quite early for school - over two hours not knowing any such thing about a delay. However, I went down to the office about 45 min prior to the first bell and what did I see? Teachers and students galore! Why would students come so early the day after break? That I do not know, but I was quite impressed. Speaking of impressed, I asked how many students did their homework from the Thursday before break and nearly all of them had! Certainly some of them lied, but I couldn't pay my former students to give me that kind of a turnout over a long break.

Okay, gotta get ready for Day Two. Oh, but before I forget. Awaiting me in the mailroom was a fortune cookie that reads, "Recognize and deal with reality, no matter how unpleasant it may be." A fortune? No. Helpful? Yes. Especially when I was 2-3 hours early and missing former students and familiar places.

Another Transition

This Sunday I'll be moving to begin my new job. How do I feel about this? I'm actually still sorting that out. I should probably get it in my mind real soon that this is a reality - I will move down there, begin lesson planning again, start at a new church, meet new people, new students, new teachers, new pastors, etc. all while adjusting to a new room in a new home in an unknown land. Thankfully this unknown land is fairly small and nearby are people I do actually know.

The idea of having new students; however, has got me the most troubled. Tomorrow I get to teach roughly 14 of my old students how to make shrimp alfredo (I'm still learning it myself), and I am super excited for this. Why? Because I miss my former students. I miss their attitudes, their personalities, playing basketball with them, carrying on about life with them (what is good and bad in this world), etc. Most of all, I miss not being there to love them. It's hard to deal with a position that is temporary. And that is exactly the new position I will be in again. I don't want new students and I certainly don't want to grow attached to them only to leave them in the dust for a new position in a different area. It is so hard to leave the ones you love. It's even harder when you leave roughly one hundred of them all at the same time.

As I said before, this is my reality, and I need to adjust. Just because I know I will inevitably leave my students does not mean that I should withhold love from them. It makes the leaving tougher, but the experience all the better. I need to intentionally get ready and stop dilly-dallying around pretending it won't happen.

In other news, I don't want to play God by predicting/planning my future, but I think the next realistic step after this school year is over is to teach in America before moving on to some place else (such as T). There are reasons for this - such as having a fancier name for my certification and also obtaining a master's degree. Also, I know I'm called to teach, but I'm just not so sure about missions still. Teaching is clearly my passion. Missions are a desire, but just not as strong of a desire. What does it all mean? Am I resistant to going or is my participation in missions to be less of a "goer" and more of a sender/mobilizer? That, we shall find out as God reveals in the future.

A Short Compliation of Quotes from "Da Hill"

D: "I can't take off my hoodie! My house caught on fire and my shirt underneath as a huge hole in the back ... I swear."
Later...."What? You're just yelling at me cuz I'm light skinned."

C: "I'm gonna ax Mr. So-and-so for some help."
A: "Why you be actin like Miss D ain't a good teacher?"

A: "Yo, Miss D, that triangle you made is hype!"

S: "Miss D, are you a virgin?"

"Can I get extra credit for doing this worksheet?"
"No."

"How about this one?"
"No."

"Can I get extra credit for coming in at lunch?"
"No."

"Can I get extra credit for coming in after school?"
"No."

"Can I get extra credit for coming in for tutoring?"
"No."

"Can I get extra credit for doing community volunteer work?"
"No, you just get a good feeling inside." :-D

"I have an announcement to make!"
D: "You're pregnant?"
"NO!"

I wrote "W.T.S." on the projector.
A: "You be teachin us to swear, Miss D? Like, 'What the beep'?"
"No! It's 'Want to show'"
A: "Yeah, okay. I be tellin my mom you teachin us to swear in class!"

P: "Miss D, who makes more money - street pharmacists or strippers?"

P: "Miss D, you can't fight?"
"No"
J: "So, what would you do if someone hit you?"
"I'd pray. God's a lot more powerful than my scrawny muscles, dontcha think?"
K: "What would you do if we beat you up?" *smile

P: "Miss D, do you want to know how to get cell phones through metal detectors?"
"Sure."
P: "Well, you have to wrap it in three layers of thick leather. It works for cell phones, ipods, knives - anything!"
"So, that's what you do when you bring knives into school?"
P: "Not anymore." *smile

So, K, are you going to be this annoying sitting in the front row every day? *K shook his head yes. Here's an indication he was telling the truth:
K, give me my sunglasses back!
K, where's my transparency?
K, give me my marker back.
K, give me my teacher's edition back. Now.

C: "I'm actually kinda sad you're leavin."
"Why's that?"
C: "Because now class isn't going to be fun. We won't get to goof off at all! And, we're just going to get busy work now."

J singing a song: "I'm a lit-tle girl in a big, big world. My name is Miss Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
(Note: she also wrote this on the top of the board and made me jump to erase it.)

Holla Back At Me (Alternative Names)

• Miss Day-Line!
• Put de line in the coconut! *singing
  
• Baby Dee!
• Sister D!
• Miss DeLingo, I mean, Miss DeLino...wait, what is it?
• Okay, Miss DeSquare
  
• Mz DeLizzle
• Mz DeLittle
  

Unfortunately not all of the best quotes are represented as it's hard to keep track in a school like da Hill, but it's a light taste of my life this fall. I hope you enjoyed it :-)

Too Expressive

Many of the students I have, particularly my seniors, are very expressive in all areas of their lives. They don't hold anything back! And while that's one thing I love about them, it's also one thing I can't stand. It's good when they're telling me what they don't understand or they give me suggestions on how I can teach better (when they're being polite about it). However, it's not so good when they complain. In fact, it's been driving me crazy lately!

And now I shall vent (read if you please...but I warned you).

Today was a test day and the two days prior were review days. These are the complaints I heard on Wednesday and Thursday:

"Two days?! How can we review in only two days?"

"We didn't have enough quizzes, you should have quizzed us after every other section."
My response to this one: "Well, maybe. But in college, you may only have 3 tests and those are your whole grade! This is helping prepare you for college."
Their response back: "College! Don't give us that! We're in high school right now so don't treat us like college students."

"We can't use our notes on the test? Then why did we take them? We have to fit all of this info on just one sheet of paper for tomorrow?"

"How can I remember all of this? It's crazy!" (and for the record, it wasn't that much information)

Shocked? So am I. Even after 12 weeks of being here, I'm still shocked that they can complain so much. Not only that, but I reminded them that it was their review day and that they were wasting their own time. They can't handle taking responsibility for their own education and so they throw it in my face (or any teacher who pushes them) and play the blame game.

During the test I heard comments such as:

"How do you do this" 30-50 x's (literally)
"We did this?! I don't ever remember doing this!"
"Wait, I shouldn't have to do this because I wasn't here for the review."
"Miss D, can you come here?" Me: "Just a minute, she asked first." I then walk over to him and asked him what question he had and he replied "Nope, I don't take being second." I just walked away.

Today, I had a good conversation with a student after school. He said, talking about himself and his peers, "We're smart and dumb at the same time. We're smart enough to know that if 75% of the class fails, they'll blame it on the teacher. But we're dumb because we don't think about the future and that we're not getting anywhere." So, it's not just me that sees this. The students are very conscious of what is going on. They're not dumb in that respect at all, but in fact quite aware of "the system."

Randomness on STing

Wow, I can't believe I am 12 weeks into my student teaching! Where did the weeks go? And how come I never posted? Just so you know, I feel as though I could have written a novel every night I have come home, besides the fact that I'm too exhausted to do so. With so many interactions with students throughout the day, there is so much for my little brain to analyze. I wish I would have done that for you here, to get out my thoughts, but the past is in the past.

For a quick update for those of you I don't see often. I got the long-term sub job!!! Michelle, maybe we can meet up sometime since I'll only be an hour away from you for 14 weeks. Also, the basketball game against my students is this Friday. This week I've been at tryouts/practices for girl's basketball helping them out. I feel insane spending so much time at the school, but it's another opportunity to spend time with my students and provide them with guidance and mathematical help :-). I'm helping out mainly with JV because of my skill level and a lack of time to do both.

In general, I have been very busy. The least exciting part of being a teacher, grading, takes up so much time. It feels unnecessary at times, but it's hard to get around. I've been putting off grading labs (which I'm doing right now) and I feel bad. Typically I get it done quick, but labs take a lot of reading. I can't imagine being a comp/lit teacher reading all of those papers! Phew, it sure is nice to be in math!

As for my interaction with students, some feel comfortable talking with me and generally like me as a teacher, but there are a good many who seem distant and/or they just don't like my teaching style (or me) at all. Those that don't like me are pretty vocal about it. Day in and day out my inexperience is thrown in my face and it's quite the struggle to come up with good lesson plans for three classes every single day! Quite exhausting. Oh, and I just realized I need to create a test for Friday! Gotta go.

To come: More updates, a compilation of quotes from the semester, and thoughts on being a "m" in T (don't know what I mean, e-mail me)